Let's Try Again #LTA

#LTA

This is me, running out of excuses. Fed up with myself for not fulfilling my silly, petty life goals.

I was blessed with craziness. 

The feeling of a fire burning within.

The feeling that pushed me to take the plunge countless times. 

I have let this blessing slip away.

2016 was the year I was ‘too busy’ enjoying myself to continue writing in my blog.

Then, in 2017 I was ‘too mentally exhausted' by first having my world turned upside down; yet managing to get the job I always wanted… No time for blogging there.

2018 : managed to travel some more (with the man I later promised to spend the rest of my life with) which rekindled my desire to put my traveling experiences into words....

...HOWEVER, I kept repeating the same excuse… I have to feel when the time is right, and I have to be kind to myself and give myself time. 

Since 2018 I have had my blog permanently open, as tab on my mobile internet app. At what point does being kind to yourself turn into laziness? Where do you draw a line between ‘self-care’, giving yourself the time you need and loosing your appetite for life?

Whenever I gave in to guilt and tried to write a post, I would have already forgotten the first sentence while think about the second. I think I was frustrated, yet the feeling was muffled. I just stopped feeling the fire burning.

EVEN NOW, re-reading what I wrote, ready to press Publish, I cannot stop thinking "but what's the point in this?" Thing is, I DO NOT KNOW. I should not think much of it either. Just do it DAMN IT!

2020, and here I am freshly, happily married, working my dream job with a place to call my own… which in essence threatens the actual existence of the name of this blog…. since now I do have a home :) 

YET, I am a nomad now more than ever, my thoughts are too scattered and sometimes lost. A mental-nomad, if that makes sense. I need to work hard and push myself (self-care my arse....just had to!). 

Cruel to be kind works fine for me.

Stopping, taking a moment and evaluating all achieved and experienced thus far makes me realise this is what I always aimed for. NONETHELESS, somewhere along the way, I left my fire behind, or simple forgot what fed it.

Now I can understand what some mean when life struggles are mentioned. It just happens. They are lucky enough to identify points in their life as such and work to improve on the dull phases. I feel like it took me months to finally realise.

This whole post is truly a word-vomit, or rather thought-vomit, with the hopes that it would lead me to finding my passion and helps me to once again, give meaning to the seemingly insignificant things.

I cannot bring myself to commit to writing a post every so often, yet. I will list it down as one of the petty goals though - To write about past travels, when I manage to force myself to gather my thoughts :)

PS. I love all the people in my life so much! This is all sounding so melodramatic (oh boohoo - you think you have problems girl... I have problems, mela int), yet I smile every day cause of them!

Jess x